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We're stronger than we know... [21 Jan 2013|10:30pm]

Inspired by this post. For some reason,  these 2 songs go hand in hand for me! :)

I know this song is political, but if you think about it, the lyrics can be applied to life in general. Let's face it, even when life is doing nothing but kick us when we're down and we feel like curling up and dying; we find a way to be strong. It's not always a conscious decision...Hell, hardly ever, but there's something inside us that makes us go on. We should be embrace that, it shows that no matter how bad things get, human nature is to survive, and we do what we need to, to make sure that happens! :)
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i can't anymore. [16 Jan 2013|08:33am]

I feel snuffed out, I quit writing, I don't know what I am doing, I cannot forgive any of it, I feel like I have done everything that I came here to do and everything can take care of itself. I want it to go on without me, I've had enough, I don't have much time, weeks maybe. I'm not going to live if living means feeling this dead inside all the time
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I'm sorry for being alive [30 Oct 2012|11:38am]

I'm sorry that when we were children and you pushed me down that you feel bad now about pushing me down, and keeping me there but you can't do anything about it now except jest and mock how my face twisted. I'm sorry that I didn't want to watch football with you on saturdays and work on your car, I'm sorry that friend of the court suspended your visitation rights after you beat me and how bad that must've made you feel. I'm sorry that you spent all that money on all those therapists, for me to lie down in an alley after slashing at veins then passing out from blood loss under a sky full of stars.
I am sorry that I am the "Black sheep" of the family and for being different and weird and strange and irrational. I am sorry I couldn't trust you and I'm sorry for pushing you away.
I am especially sorry that you loved me, I cannot ever apologize enough for that. I am sorry that I am incapable of love. I am sorry that I am incapable of hope, I am sorry that all I am good at is quitting.
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something's got to give [28 Sep 2012|05:45am]

[ mood | depressed ]

I don't know how long I can keep this up, between the stress and the mania and the caffeine intake and the long hours of grueling depression I'm heading straight towards a heart attack.
I have beer and grass in me now and my hands have finally stopped shaking, every time I communicate with her I feel this twinge of unremitting hope that is soon overtaken by massive, paralyzing depression, fear, self-hatred and all the inner bile my ugliness can muster.
I have cried myself to sleep every day for the last week and it's harder and harder and harder to get out of bed. every morning lately my first waking thought is itching the large scar on my arm and wishing I would've cut over just one more inch. I really really really just want to go to bed and never fucking wake up. I know that I could make it easy, a few pills and a quick note and then permanent nap time, it's almost too easy.
And that's the problem with it, while every fiber in my body is telling me to "GIVE UP!!!!"
I can't.
I love,
that's all I've got right now.
I love my Mother who is battling cancer,
I love my Stepfather and his quiet strength,
I love my kid sister and how brave she is.
and my brothers for their honesty.
I love her too,
a woman who showed me light
and I ran because it was so bright
and I was so afraid.

I have lived my


life in fear.

I can't do that anymore either, and the prospect of doing it alone terrifies me.
All my life I've been incapable, stupid, weak.
I've never stood on my own two feet.
I don't know how to stand up anymore.
For awhile there I gave in, and for a moment knew what standing up felt like, I was standing up for someone else, and while I want to do that again I have to do this first somehow.
I just wish I knew where to start.

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Hey, I'm new to this. I guess I'll ramble about myself for a moment. [02 Aug 2012|01:13pm]

[ mood | blank ]

My name is Lydia. I am 16 years old and going into my junior year of high school. I have been diagnosed with manic depressive disorder, anxiety, and I used to have a drug problem. My life has not been the easiest, but also not the hardest. I had a pretty good childhood. Things went south when I was 15. I started doing drugs very heavily to suppress my feelings of basically self-hatred, guilt, failure and many other unhealthy feelings. I also used to self harm, I am a recovering cutter. Cutting was the hardest addiction to break for me, personally. I also have a bad stealing problem which I think ties into the depression i some way. I just wish I wan't such a fucked up teenager. I just want to be normal and happy and carefree.

I am a good listener, and I give great advice, so if anyone ever needs to talk to me, please feel free. Like I said, I am very, very nice and will never judge anyone  no matter the situation. I guess this will be the end of my nonsense. <3

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I dream in vivid color. [06 Jul 2012|08:01am]

[ mood | nostalgic ]

So vivid in fact, that sometimes I think that I have passed this world and am now dead, and whatever dream I am in is my heaven. Sometimes afterwards I awake with a slight feeling of unease and a suspicion that none of this is real. In my dreams I am in space and all of time is rushing through me, I am at the beginning and the end of all things, all the thousands of light years blow past so fast I am breathless at the face of them. I hold my arms out past me and feel the ripples in the fabric of eternity. It's been rough lately, I had to accept a lot about myself that I didn't want to think about. That I am not as wise as I had hoped, that I indeed am not now who I thought I'd be. I feel I have lost something in the connection between the person that lived all those years and sits writing this right now with a hunch in his back and too many unsmoked cigarettes. I keep going back to the same themes, the same emotional traps I set for myself and ultimately fall into. I feel I can't help it but I know I can. I have been trying to grow up for twenty years whether or not I was aware of it and I feel disconnected now and my ambition has buckled beneath me and I lack the time to get a degree and live a life as a tied down office monkey with good credit and a house with a lawn and dance lessons for the kids. I can't do it, never could even when I was close to it. I am doomed to a life as a laborer, maybe a managerial position at a gas station or possibly as a pizza place router. I had written all of this and more in my last suicide note, and it with all the others went into the garbage and I didn't even fish them back out this time and unwrinkle them. I finally let them go. There are so many things I have let go of because they weren't working, or healthy, or safe anymore. I ended a lot of them badly but a few have since healed and I am grateful. Overall this world, with me and everybody else in it. Frightens me. I am unafraid so rarely. And on mornings like this one, when listening to a song a moment ago made me forget where I was and left me expecting to see snow outside the window I can only grin. To be lucky enough to work and draw pay, have time off to enjoy, fed, clothed, clean, comfortable. And restless too. I may fall completely apart after this next time out, and I've accepted that. But I promised myself that if I made it to thirty without killing myself that I'd spend that birthday on a different continent. Even if it's just England, which only counts because it's not part of the continental U.S. I know in my heart that I haven't deserved a damn bit of charity for all I've gotten and I battle with the guilt and the Depression every minute of every day and I don't deserve it, I was born with a chemical imbalance and I try very, very hard to keep it under control. I have scars down my arms and psychological ligature marks around my throat where I strapped a leather belt around it and kicked my feet out from under me, I panicked of course after everything went dark and I remember pulling myself up and out of the belt and I came to cursing myself and crying and punching my face. But I am better than that now. I may not have been well then but the point remains that I have been to a lot of therapy and I suspect I'll need a lot more by the time this is all over. I am living now for now, I can't function long term. I don't give a shit about the next ten years and I have a hazy guess what the next five might be like. I only want to mature like vine ripening. I want to grow and learn and experience. I only get this once.
To get out of the race now would be a mistake. This is an endurance trial and I don't even know when I'll finish. But I'll hump these miles cause I got nothin else. I run on a loose and fragile hope these days. It was never like this before and I am getting used to it slower when I should be faster. I never figure it out right. BUt I can't end on a sour note, it's a weakness, I get to the topic of gratitude and I take a good hard look through all the shit and find a moment that at the time was just dripping with poetry. And most moments are so sad I fear to even think of them lest they breaking my fucking heart. But I pause for a moment and think of the ocean, and I think of how small this all is in comparison to everything, that We are so lucky and we don't even realize it, we watch jersey shore and war with each other. SOmeday we'll look up see the light that's been there all along, and we will be welcomed home knowing that we were silly to fool ourselves for so long, and no hard feelings but we learned. I hope I can hold onto a fraction of the hope I feel right now.
Hang in there. Know that I don't know you, but I am hoping for you and I want you to be happy for you. I can't do it yet but maybe you can.

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Words [04 Apr 2012|11:11pm]


They never learnt to write this.

And I know I have to get up again

I know I have to get up again

I know I have to get up again

But they never learnt to write this

And now neither can I.

And I know I have to get up again

I know I have to get up again.

But when they learnt

Notes, learnt phrases

To heal -  they never learnt this.

And I know I have to get again

I know, I have to get up again.

But the –

I know.

I have.

To get up.


Please, how?

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4th of July 2011 [04 Jul 2011|11:39am]

I'm not okay. It feels like the world isn't okay, but I know that the reality is that the world is pretty much the same as it was yesterday, so the issue is me.
Read more...Collapse )
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Something is broken. [17 May 2011|10:09pm]

I'm not doing well with the basics. Before I went into group therapy I would have said that my problems with the basics came from being over worked and stressed, a full time job and graduate school all at once. Now though, I have nothing but time. I have food in the cupboards and time to cook. I have time to clean, and I don't do it. Yesterday I had a bagel with cream cheese and a microwaved burrito. Today I did three loads of laundry because I have been without clean socks for three weeks.

What's wrong with me? Why am I so against maintenance? Today I deleted over 4000 text messages piling up in my phone since 2008. I'm not a hoarder, and I'm not lazy, so what IS the problem?
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I woke up the other morning. [30 Apr 2011|06:16am]

[ mood | hopeful ]

I had some rough days there for a bit, some serious feed running into my head. Some serious feedback from myself and trying to keep in mind that I can't let it win, it's a pain and it's a lot of work and sometimes it just breaks my heart to get out of bed in the morning but trying to keep in mind that I have this illness and it's affects the nervous system and hormonal balances, drug and alcohol tolerances go through the roof and all the while there's just negative crap after negative crap filling me.

But I just wanted to say that even though when I look in the mirror and don't like who I see that when I look outside it is beautiful and I realize that I don't have time in my day, in my life, for this. And I focus. I assault the hate and pain with beauty, with Himalayan fantasies and National Geographic and knowing that someday I'm going to die. Inevitable, it sucks, it isn't fair, I was born and they went through this trouble of raising me and then given the shit luck of the added weight of depression to round everything out and coming close to screwing out any hope for a better tomorrow before life finally snuffs the lights out.

What I mean is,


I might numbly go through my day with a dark heart and less hope,

but there is a spark in here.

I'll burn a whole city to the ground with just that spark.

I realize, as you must realize that there is something better,
maybe not after this life but definitely IN this life.
You are here to do with your mind whatever you can solve,
if you can dream it,
you can probably find a way to do it.
So I remain hopeful, only because the last time I wasn't hopeful,
it nearly killed me.

And I don't wanna go yet,
there is an entire world out there,
I may never live long enough to learn everything I want to but man I'm going to try.

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can't escape the depression [29 Apr 2011|01:17pm]

I really hate my life right now. I feel like so many of the people that came out of nowhere to help me through my crisis have faded back into the woodwork. I'm not better yet, and now I don't even have a job to instill order and ensure some degree of social interaction. Where did all my friends go? Why do I feel so fucking needy again? If no one is looking for me, and no one is missing me, why am I fighting so hard to not just disappear?

At least while I was in the hospital people would talk to me.
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day 1 [03 Mar 2011|11:32pm]

Today was the first day of my partial hospitalization program, simply speaking, that is five days of group therapy sessions. I was anxious about it, and nearly had an anxiety attack in the waiting room waiting for intake, but I got through that, and the intake.

So, the main experience for the day today was realizing that the ways that depression affects many of the people in the group seem to be much the same as the way it affects me. I felt more understanding in this group of people I feared I would not want to be around, than I have felt ever before in regard to my depression. Perhaps it was the experience of understanding coming from other sufferers and not just the clinical "That is perfectly normal" speech that comes from counselors and doctors. In any case, while I feel far from right and sorted, I felt like far less of a freak and a failure by the end of the day. That meant a lot to me.

Tomorrow I will be there on time for the art therapy part of the day which I missed today. I'm curious about that. I'm also excited to put into practice some of the tips I got today about sleep. (of course on of those tips was not to go on the internet right before bed, but ya know...) I think that continued journaling will help. The only thing that came up today that I feel skeptical of is the practice of daily affirmations. I'll give it an honest go, but it seems a bit too cliche to me, and bit too Stuart Smalley... I guess we'll find out.

Update again tomorrow.
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Breaking Point [02 Mar 2011|01:02pm]

I hit a breaking point the other day. I had to make the call and have myself voluntarily admitted to the ER for evaluation. I didn't trust my ability to hold myself together and not attempt to kill myself.

I woke up yesterday morning with the first thought in my head wondering who to give my things away to. I have never hit that point before, and it scared me more than the day I spent reading the labels on the bottles of chemicals under my sink to see which ones would be most effective at ending my pain.

I only spent 4 hours in the hospital, and today I feel more stable, but I think that is only because I know what to expect from the next few hours, and I know that there are some people looking out for me, people I didn't expect to find looking out for me. Tomorrow I will start an intensive outpatient therapy program. I will spend 7 hours a day in the hospital for at least the next week, seeing doctors, psychiatrists, specialists, doing group therapy sessions, re-evaluating my medications... I am scared, but far less scared than I was yesterday. Knowing that I made the choice to seek help, even from strangers, lets me know that I still have strength and will to live. I feel like so many people have left me, that so many people that were important to me, so many people I love have abandoned me to my darkness, there has felt little point in remaining. The things is, there are a lot of people I thought had faded out of my life, only reconnected with me out of social habit, that in fact seem to still genuinely care. I am not as alone as I feel. I need to remember that.

I have come to understand that I have been longing for, waiting for, and feeling crushed by not finding a very specific kind of caring relationship, and not finding it, or feeling like I had it and then had it taken away from me suddenly without explanation, has contributed to thirty years of darkness for me. It has affected the relationships I have had, soured many of them, and I was never able to see before now what was going on. I see it now, but I also see that I have no idea how to fix it, how to change me. I know that I don't have the tools all on my own to fix a problem I have spent thirty years turning into a habit.

At times I have felt as though I need to learn how to not love so easily, but the truth is that I do love easily, and I dream of a world where more people would. I hurt because I love in a way I have not found returned. I love in a way that will not be undone, even when those I love stop feeling the same. I don't want to change that about myself, but I now see that I need to change how I deal with it when it happens.

I have not been getting many comments to my posts here, and I am okay with that. I only hope that the thoughts and feelings I have to share here will help others who read them. Anyone who is coming to this community to post, comment, or even just read, has strength that will help them to keep going. If you are reading this, whether you comment or not, you have a will to keep going, get better, be helped. I hope that you find all those things.
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Insights of a sort... [24 Feb 2011|10:03pm]

We learn a lot as children, even when we don't know we are being taught, and sadly, there are a lot of things that as children we don't understand but take with us into adulthood.

Children don't understand subtlety, or semantics. They don't understand that the things they are told by adults aren't absolute or always literal. Children have no innate concept of nuance. If you tell a child repeatedly that they can be anything they want to be, if they trust you and believe you, then as adults, those children will wonder repeatedly what it is that they keep doing wrong, why they are repeatedly disappointed, and why in spite of all efforts and good intentions, they are not always able to be who or what they want to be.

I think that the problem with the phrase "You'll understand when you're older." is that once we are older, and we do understand, we have built so many habits around the things we didn't understand during our formative years, that it becomes a major undertaking to change the habits, and far easier to give in to a sense of despair of futility, or addictions.

Should I believe that there are things I want to achieve, roles I want to fulfill that I simply will not ever be able to? No, that seems like a bad situation... and yet it seems necessary to be able to accept that there may be things I can't achieve or roles I won't fulfill in order to avoid running my head into the same walls repeatedly.

I have wondered, since I was a Junior in high school, how it is that we teach our children the things they need to know to be happy, healthy adults, without steering them to build their foundations on the same mistakes that we have made, or have had passed down to us. More than financial considerations, or all the things I'd like to do before I'm "tied down with a family", the thing that makes me pause to wonder if I would be ready to raise children, is the question of whether or not I am capable and prepared to teach them how to be happy and healthy human beings as children and as adults later.

I cannot be whatever I want to be. I have not learned how to stop fighting a losing battle before I start to bleed out. I have fought with depression and shame and issues of self worth for 30 years, and only now begin to see how the things I was taught with the best of intentions as a child, were misunderstood by a child who accepts knowledge innocently as literal. So, where do I go from here? How do I learn to be happy while accepting all the things I want but cannot have or be? How can I feel strong and worthy of respect after giving up on dreams or aspirations?

I guess, in the end, my dream, the big one, is to be happy, and that's the one I can't give up on, so if the repeated failures, the bleeding out from fighting losing battles, is keeping me from my dreams, then I have to give up on small things to improve my odds of getting to the big ones... Small comfort, but I may still learn, and make it into a new and healthy habit.

For now though, it hurts a hell of a lot to want to be something I cannot be simply by my own sheer will and effort.
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"You're not alone" [18 Feb 2011|11:18pm]

[ mood | duh ]

Have you heard that? Depression rolls in like a fog, and things get dark, the future disappears from view, and people with the best of intentions tell you, "You just have to remember, you're not alone."

I know what it means. I get it, and I appreciate it most of the time, but let's face it, what they mean is actually, "You aren't the only person that experiences these feelings."

When I start feeling like I'm seriously broken, when I start thinking of myself as some kind of freak because of my depression, it is good to be reminded that I am not in fact a statistical anomaly with a unique condition. The thing is, sometimes, when the darkness is really wrapped tightly around me it's because I AM alone. I may not be unique in my experiencing depression, but I am in fact alone, without a partner, with no person there next to me if I wake in the middle of the night from a nightmare, with no person there to coax me off the floor when I don't have the strength of will to move myself.

I know that I am loved. There are even people in my life that let me know that they need me. I know that I would be missed if I gave in to my suicidal fantasies, and I know that there are a lot of people in my life that will listen if I need a friend. All of that helps to keep me here, but just barely some days. I have not been able to pull myself up lately. I feel afloat and in danger of drowning. I have at times been within sight of the shore, but I keep being swept back out to the deep. I don't feel like I have the strength to swim anymore, only to tread water and try not to sink completely out of sight.

I am alone. I wake up alone, I spend most of my time at work alone, I eat alone, and fall asleep alone. I dream of people. At night, when sleep finally comes I dream of people who love me, who want to be near me, I dream of not being alone. When I wake, with those dreams half remembered, a fresh day's worth of sadness seeps in before my eyes are even fully open.

Most nights I don't even make it to my bed. I fall asleep on the couch with the television on just so that there is some human voice to break the silence and distract me from the thoughts that tell me how bleak my future is, and how lonely my present is.

This community at fightdepression has been a good source of support over the past 6 years. I appreciate all of the comments I get from the members here. But please, next time you start to tell me that I am not alone, don't. Tell me you understand, tell me that I have your sympathy, tell me that the reality is never as bad as the depression makes it seem... but don't tell me I'm not alone. I am, and I hate it.

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you're such a negative person... [16 Feb 2011|12:46am]

[ mood | angry ]

(Xposted in my own journal)

For many years people have told me that they think I'm a negative person... too moody...never enough happy things to share....

Over on the FB I can post a cryptic blurb about how shitty my day is, and I'll have 4 or 5 replies within an hour. I can bitch about something irritating that happened at the grocery store and there will be a half dozen people chiming in to agree that it's annoying or share their own anecdotes of annoyance. I post a link to my brand new photography portfolio, a work of art and effort, where I not only took all the photos myself, but built the entire website by myself in 4 days, and there is not a single reply to come in in the past 5 hours.

To someone who feels so often overlooked, ignored, insignificant in the throes of depression, you tell me which behavior is going to be the more desirable...

Fuck! I suppose now I should apologise for my negativity...

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Going to start taking meds. [28 Jan 2011|08:48pm]

[ mood | anxious ]

I'm going to start taking Wellbutrin XL, which my doctor prescribed to me today. I'm hoping it will help lift the depression I've had building up since I was about 11 years old. I'm 20 years old right now and this is the first antidepressant I'm every going to take. I've been to see a counciler and I decided it just wasn't helping so I'm going to try pills.

I'm actually very anxious about starting to take these pills. I'm worried about the side effects. I haven't really read any horror stories about Wellbutrin.

At the same time though I'm kind of excited and don't know what exactly to expect. I want to stop feeling like crying 24/7 and feeling like life is meaningless. I want to be interested in the things I used to love again.

Does any one else take or know anything about Wellbutrin XL?

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Actually sick now [09 Jan 2011|06:44pm]

[ mood | depressed ]

I have been light headed and off balance all day today. I am hoping that this is merely a symptom of withdrawal from the antidepressants. I was advised by my doctor to take a couple of days off the stuff I was on before starting on the new stuff I'm supposed to be on. I can tell that there are some other symptoms of withdrawal, primarily feeling depressed and having to work doubly hard against the feeling that there is nothing I can do about it. I did manage to clean the living room today, and take down the Christmas decorations. I got a bit of art done too. I know that in an objective reality things are okay...

In my present state of mind, I feel very very isolated and desperate for contact with people I am unable to talk to.

It's time to give up on productivity for the day. Time instead for supper and movies and an attempt at sleep...

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Change in meds [03 Jan 2011|09:47pm]

[ mood | cautious ]

I have been on 50mg a day of Pristiq, and overall it has been a great help, but I'm about to transition to Wellbutrin. I'm going to have to be off the Pristiq a few days to avoid any drug interactions. The thing is, I'm trying out the Wellbutrin because I was bothered by the persistence of the sexual side effects the Pristiq has had on me for the past 4 months.

Has anyone here had experience with Wellbutrin? What can you tell me about the effectiveness as an anti-depressant and any side effects?

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Holidays [25 Dec 2010|12:09am]

This holiday season can be especially tough for those of us who suffer depression, but I hope that all of you, all of us, can find joy, warmth, and love from someone in this time. Merry Christmas. Thank you to all in this community that have helped me through tough spots.
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