I woke up yesterday morning with the first thought in my head wondering who to give my things away to. I have never hit that point before, and it scared me more than the day I spent reading the labels on the bottles of chemicals under my sink to see which ones would be most effective at ending my pain.
I only spent 4 hours in the hospital, and today I feel more stable, but I think that is only because I know what to expect from the next few hours, and I know that there are some people looking out for me, people I didn't expect to find looking out for me. Tomorrow I will start an intensive outpatient therapy program. I will spend 7 hours a day in the hospital for at least the next week, seeing doctors, psychiatrists, specialists, doing group therapy sessions, re-evaluating my medications... I am scared, but far less scared than I was yesterday. Knowing that I made the choice to seek help, even from strangers, lets me know that I still have strength and will to live. I feel like so many people have left me, that so many people that were important to me, so many people I love have abandoned me to my darkness, there has felt little point in remaining. The things is, there are a lot of people I thought had faded out of my life, only reconnected with me out of social habit, that in fact seem to still genuinely care. I am not as alone as I feel. I need to remember that.
I have come to understand that I have been longing for, waiting for, and feeling crushed by not finding a very specific kind of caring relationship, and not finding it, or feeling like I had it and then had it taken away from me suddenly without explanation, has contributed to thirty years of darkness for me. It has affected the relationships I have had, soured many of them, and I was never able to see before now what was going on. I see it now, but I also see that I have no idea how to fix it, how to change me. I know that I don't have the tools all on my own to fix a problem I have spent thirty years turning into a habit.
At times I have felt as though I need to learn how to not love so easily, but the truth is that I do love easily, and I dream of a world where more people would. I hurt because I love in a way I have not found returned. I love in a way that will not be undone, even when those I love stop feeling the same. I don't want to change that about myself, but I now see that I need to change how I deal with it when it happens.
I have not been getting many comments to my posts here, and I am okay with that. I only hope that the thoughts and feelings I have to share here will help others who read them. Anyone who is coming to this community to post, comment, or even just read, has strength that will help them to keep going. If you are reading this, whether you comment or not, you have a will to keep going, get better, be helped. I hope that you find all those things.