You know who (canospam) wrote in fightdepression,
You know who
canospam
fightdepression

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I woke up the other morning.

I had some rough days there for a bit, some serious feed running into my head. Some serious feedback from myself and trying to keep in mind that I can't let it win, it's a pain and it's a lot of work and sometimes it just breaks my heart to get out of bed in the morning but trying to keep in mind that I have this illness and it's affects the nervous system and hormonal balances, drug and alcohol tolerances go through the roof and all the while there's just negative crap after negative crap filling me.

But I just wanted to say that even though when I look in the mirror and don't like who I see that when I look outside it is beautiful and I realize that I don't have time in my day, in my life, for this. And I focus. I assault the hate and pain with beauty, with Himalayan fantasies and National Geographic and knowing that someday I'm going to die. Inevitable, it sucks, it isn't fair, I was born and they went through this trouble of raising me and then given the shit luck of the added weight of depression to round everything out and coming close to screwing out any hope for a better tomorrow before life finally snuffs the lights out.


What I mean is,

I AM NOT DEAD YET.

I might numbly go through my day with a dark heart and less hope,

but there is a spark in here.

I'll burn a whole city to the ground with just that spark.

I realize, as you must realize that there is something better,
maybe not after this life but definitely IN this life.
You are here to do with your mind whatever you can solve,
if you can dream it,
you can probably find a way to do it.
So I remain hopeful, only because the last time I wasn't hopeful,
it nearly killed me.


And I don't wanna go yet,
there is an entire world out there,
I may never live long enough to learn everything I want to but man I'm going to try.
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