I have beer and grass in me now and my hands have finally stopped shaking, every time I communicate with her I feel this twinge of unremitting hope that is soon overtaken by massive, paralyzing depression, fear, self-hatred and all the inner bile my ugliness can muster.
I have cried myself to sleep every day for the last week and it's harder and harder and harder to get out of bed. every morning lately my first waking thought is itching the large scar on my arm and wishing I would've cut over just one more inch. I really really really just want to go to bed and never fucking wake up. I know that I could make it easy, a few pills and a quick note and then permanent nap time, it's almost too easy.
And that's the problem with it, while every fiber in my body is telling me to "GIVE UP!!!!"
that's all I've got right now.
I love my Mother who is battling cancer,
I love my Stepfather and his quiet strength,
I love my kid sister and how brave she is.
and my brothers for their honesty.
I love her too,
a woman who showed me light
and I ran because it was so bright
and I was so afraid.
I have lived my
life in fear.
I can't do that anymore either, and the prospect of doing it alone terrifies me.
All my life I've been incapable, stupid, weak.
I've never stood on my own two feet.
I don't know how to stand up anymore.
For awhile there I gave in, and for a moment knew what standing up felt like, I was standing up for someone else, and while I want to do that again I have to do this first somehow.
I just wish I knew where to start.