You know who (canospam) wrote in fightdepression,
You know who

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I dream in vivid color.

So vivid in fact, that sometimes I think that I have passed this world and am now dead, and whatever dream I am in is my heaven. Sometimes afterwards I awake with a slight feeling of unease and a suspicion that none of this is real. In my dreams I am in space and all of time is rushing through me, I am at the beginning and the end of all things, all the thousands of light years blow past so fast I am breathless at the face of them. I hold my arms out past me and feel the ripples in the fabric of eternity. It's been rough lately, I had to accept a lot about myself that I didn't want to think about. That I am not as wise as I had hoped, that I indeed am not now who I thought I'd be. I feel I have lost something in the connection between the person that lived all those years and sits writing this right now with a hunch in his back and too many unsmoked cigarettes. I keep going back to the same themes, the same emotional traps I set for myself and ultimately fall into. I feel I can't help it but I know I can. I have been trying to grow up for twenty years whether or not I was aware of it and I feel disconnected now and my ambition has buckled beneath me and I lack the time to get a degree and live a life as a tied down office monkey with good credit and a house with a lawn and dance lessons for the kids. I can't do it, never could even when I was close to it. I am doomed to a life as a laborer, maybe a managerial position at a gas station or possibly as a pizza place router. I had written all of this and more in my last suicide note, and it with all the others went into the garbage and I didn't even fish them back out this time and unwrinkle them. I finally let them go. There are so many things I have let go of because they weren't working, or healthy, or safe anymore. I ended a lot of them badly but a few have since healed and I am grateful. Overall this world, with me and everybody else in it. Frightens me. I am unafraid so rarely. And on mornings like this one, when listening to a song a moment ago made me forget where I was and left me expecting to see snow outside the window I can only grin. To be lucky enough to work and draw pay, have time off to enjoy, fed, clothed, clean, comfortable. And restless too. I may fall completely apart after this next time out, and I've accepted that. But I promised myself that if I made it to thirty without killing myself that I'd spend that birthday on a different continent. Even if it's just England, which only counts because it's not part of the continental U.S. I know in my heart that I haven't deserved a damn bit of charity for all I've gotten and I battle with the guilt and the Depression every minute of every day and I don't deserve it, I was born with a chemical imbalance and I try very, very hard to keep it under control. I have scars down my arms and psychological ligature marks around my throat where I strapped a leather belt around it and kicked my feet out from under me, I panicked of course after everything went dark and I remember pulling myself up and out of the belt and I came to cursing myself and crying and punching my face. But I am better than that now. I may not have been well then but the point remains that I have been to a lot of therapy and I suspect I'll need a lot more by the time this is all over. I am living now for now, I can't function long term. I don't give a shit about the next ten years and I have a hazy guess what the next five might be like. I only want to mature like vine ripening. I want to grow and learn and experience. I only get this once.
To get out of the race now would be a mistake. This is an endurance trial and I don't even know when I'll finish. But I'll hump these miles cause I got nothin else. I run on a loose and fragile hope these days. It was never like this before and I am getting used to it slower when I should be faster. I never figure it out right. BUt I can't end on a sour note, it's a weakness, I get to the topic of gratitude and I take a good hard look through all the shit and find a moment that at the time was just dripping with poetry. And most moments are so sad I fear to even think of them lest they breaking my fucking heart. But I pause for a moment and think of the ocean, and I think of how small this all is in comparison to everything, that We are so lucky and we don't even realize it, we watch jersey shore and war with each other. SOmeday we'll look up see the light that's been there all along, and we will be welcomed home knowing that we were silly to fool ourselves for so long, and no hard feelings but we learned. I hope I can hold onto a fraction of the hope I feel right now.
Hang in there. Know that I don't know you, but I am hoping for you and I want you to be happy for you. I can't do it yet but maybe you can.
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